I first stumbled upon football365.com and by extension John Nicholson when I was studying at Napier University. During my third year I was required to spend a year on work placement or 'a year in the industry' to use its grand misnomer, and to be fair there were some pretty decent gigs available. The general idea was that you put your name forward for any positions which were of interest and went through a subsequent interview process much like any other job.
Having spent most of my student days living with my folks, I thought it made for an ideal opportunity to piss off for a year and sample single life somewhere like London, Manchester or Birmingham so I applied for a number of posts based in those cities. I also applied for a placement at Edinburgh University intended very much as a back up plan, however, it was this organisation which held their interviews process first. I half heartedly went along after shoving on an ill-fitting suit, gave them some witty, smart-arsed chat and somehow ended up getting offered the job the next day. It really wasn't my preferred option but the middle aged woman who acted as the faculty administrator, blatantly wanting as easy a life as possible, made it quite clear that students were obliged to take the first post they were offered. I protested slightly, telling her that I'd never have applied in the first place had I known this, but it cut no ice. As far as she was concerned I'd been placed. I was no longer a name on her list which could continue to cause her an administrative headache and she was one person closer to resuming her days sitting in a quiet office perusing take-a-break magazine and flicking the bean over her Robbie Williams calendar. Ultimately I didn't want to be too much of a tool about it. She had, after all, set me up with a paid, year-long work placement and it was arrogant of me to assume that I'd end up with an influx of offers, so I smiled, thanked her very much and left.... but not before drawing a penis on December's Robbie Williams whilst she was away digging out some forms.
Anyway, I digress massively. The placement was fun and I met some great folk but for the most part the days were long and boring. Some weeks involved me sitting in a room adjoining a computing lab ready to help students (slightly posher than the ones I was used to), with general IT assistance and many days presented me with absolutely sod all to do, so I took to various football websites, forums and other dubious resources which I won't mention in an attempt to alleviate my boredom.
It was then that I became familiar with the football365 website and more specifically the work of Stockon-on-Tees’ most famous son, John Nicholson. My working day would often start with a visit to the football365 mailbox but it was John's anecdotal columns, usually centring on sex, drugs and rock and roll with just enough football tagged on the end that I looked forward to the most. Eight years later John remains one of my favourite writers, his football365 columns are still going strong and they are my first port of call should I be in need of a hearty laugh. I managed to track John down by emailing him at his company DJtees and thankfully he was happy to answer a few questions.
It was pretty difficult coming up with a list of appropriate questions for someone who has lived such a colourful life, but I managed to compose some which gave John licence to wax lyrical about the Boro, football in general, where the spirit of Johnny Cash can be found alive and well in Edinburgh..... and ingesting coke via one's trouser snake, naturally.
You are a lifelong Middlesbrough fan; can you remember your first game at Ayresome Park?
Oh yes, like it was yesterday. It was a 1-0 win over Hull City. 13th October 1973. It was overcast, cold and a pretty boring game, so it set me up well for a life following the Boro. Hickton scored and I had Bovril for the first time. I thought the smell of Bovril was fantastic but tasted appalling. Later I used to use it to mask the flavour of magic mushroom tea, a task which it is eminently suited to.
If you had to choose a Boro cult hero, who would you go for?
He’s not a cult player – though many forget he played for us – but my favourite Boro player of all time is Edinburgh son Graeme Souness. He played for us from ‘72 to ‘78 and he was as mean as a junkyard dog. Skilful yes but it was his almost psychotic aggression and determination that I so admired. He would stamp on someone and then accuse the bloody corpse of feigning injury. Magnificent. We’re supposed to frown at such things today – but we all know that was one of the brilliant things about football.
How did you feel when Juninho first signed for Middlesbrough? What kind of buzz did this create amongst supporters at the time?
It was an amazing time for the club. We were in a new stadium (at the time the biggest new stadium built since the war) and getting record crowds of 35,000. We were in the top flight and signing exotic flair players. It was very un-Boro-like. Boro had always been a gritty, working-class, meat and potatoes club full of gritty meat and potatoes players. I think we all secretly knew it couldn’t last. It was almost unnatural but it was great while it lasted.
What has been your most cherished moment supporting Boro so far?
Well many would say the League Cup win in 2006 and that’s up there but for me, the greatest night of my Boro life was the UEFA Cup semi-final win over Steaua Bucharest. 2-0 down on the night, 3-0 on aggregate and with Southgate off injured after 20 minutes, we pulled it back to win 4-2 on the night. As Maccarone rose, as if in slow motion at the back post to head home, it was a moment of pure, uncontrolled, spine-tingling ecstasy. The joy that moment brought will never leave me. I doubt I’ll ever have another night like that. We got our arse kicked 4-0 in the final of course. Joy never lasts long in Middlesbrough.
For many people who are totally devoted to a particular football club, international football often takes a back seat. What’s more important for you, club or country?
I see the two things as entirely separate entities that inhabit different universes but I think many people of my generation see England as the pinnacle of football and so if I had to choose I’d go with country over club. I think a lot of fans of ‘smaller’ clubs feel that way.
If you could make any change to football, be it a change to the playing rules, an off field enhancement or an organisational change, what would it be?
I’d sack the entire FA, UEFA and FIFA executives and replace them with monkeys on bikes. They’d do a better job.
I’d like players to be able to tackle again. If you get the ball first and then take the man that should be called a clean tackle and not a foul or worse, a yellow card. There are few finer sights in football than a defender cleaning out an opposing striker. Physicality is as important as skill to the sport in my view.
You are based in Edinburgh nowadays but rarely write about Scottish football. Does football north of the border appeal to you at all and have you sampled many Scottish games?
Yes I very much enjoy Scottish football. I go to see Hibs a few times each season. People say it’s not of a high standard skill-wise but I don’t think that matters. For me, football is about excitement first and foremost and I find a lot of Scottish games are very competitive and hard to predict in advance. I love the unglamorous nature of it. I don’t write much about it on football365 its true but I probably should do so more.
Whilst it's still early days, what is your opinion of Gordon Strachan’s tenure at The Riverside and the influx of previously Scottish based players? Do you think it's shrewd that Strachan is picking up potential championship level players at a relatively low price or does it just show a lack of imagination?
Well we’ll soon see. It’s either going to prove extraordinarily insightful or extremely one-eyed. But I did think it was a very shrewd idea. However, the Championship is a tough league to get out of and Strachan hasn’t ever got a team promoted before and he’s up against the likes of Billy Davies and Warnock who have and know how to do it. It’s not started well, Boyd should be scoring goals for fun but he looks like he’s not hit his groove yet. Probably eating too many parmos.
You’ve written your weekly column for football365.com for many years, you also do various other writing jobs and run your own business. How do you fit it all in?
I work long hours! Seriously, that’s the key to it. I do five hours a day on www.djtees.com and fit in all the writing in the evenings and early mornings. I devote most of every weekend to writing as well – I’m just starting out on a new project – not a football one this time, so there’s always plenty to be getting on with. Still find time for a few drinks every day though – you’ve got to have priorities sorted!
A lot of your columns make reference to your days in a rock band. Which do you love the most, music or football?
I’ve asked myself this question a lot over the years. It has to be rock music. I couldn’t live without noisy guitars in my ears whereas I just might be able to get by without seeing some blokes kicking a ball around. I’m devoted to the game but rock n roll is part of my very DNA.
What is your opinion of the quality of football journalism currently available? Are there any writers working for the mainstream presses that you particularly enjoy reading?
It’s hard to generalize really. There’s some ludicrous stuff printed every day just because there’s a market for it. There are some silly old buffers like Jeff Powell in the Mail but the writers I like are people such as Harry Pearson and Sid Lowe in the Guardian. I’m also a big fan of the old school guys like Glanville and McIlvenney whose writing reeks of whiskey and cigars. Too much journalism is agenda led such as the current campaign against Capello by the likes of Oliver Holt and Sean Custis. But then no-one has to buy it. People complain about the tabloid press but it sells in its millions so they’re only knocking out what makes money.
Most football fans I spoke to during the recent world cup found the quality on commentary and punditry to be very poor. What are your thoughts?
I would totally agree – but then it’s poor a lot of the time. Quite how Alan Shearer has been allowed into a TV studio remains a mystery. He’s so banal and can’t elevate his response above the cliché. He’ll be disappointed with that. I think 5live is excellent but all channels TV coverage too often plays to the lowest common denominator. But the real question is why do ex-players slap and squeeze each others thighs so much?
This is a very Edinburgh specific question….When I’m with friends or colleagues I often end up watching football in the likes of Walkabout or Sportsters (despite the fact that the prospect of drinking there makes me want to gouge out my gonads with a rusty spoon). Do you have any preferred football watching venues in the town?
I go down Dundas Street to Clarks Bar. It’s a proper pub, not some family friendly leisure destination. People who look like they have killed a man in Reno just to watch him die drink in there. I like that.
What do you think of Sky Sport’s 3D football? A wonderful advancement in technology or a lot of bollocks?
I’d go with the bollocks view. If you want your viewing enhanced what’s wrong with the old tradition of simply taking psychedelic drugs? Never did me any harm. I’ve already got my own personal 3D anyway, it’s called Being Alive!
You have a book out at the moment ‘We Ate All The Pies’. Without giving the game away what can you tell us about it?
Ah yes, shameless plug ahoy! Well, for years I’ve wondered exactly why football is so popular when as we all know, it can be so tedious as to make your eyes melt. Great games are few and far between and the ball is out of play for 60% of the time. Add to that the freezing terraces and the fact that we’re treated like a herd of wild animals by the authorities and it does seem amazing that football is such a dominant force in society and that it obsesses so many millions of people so much of the time.
So I delved back into my own football life to see how and why football gets under your skin at a young age and what keeps it there. Essentially it’s an exploration of the culture of football rather than the game itself and considers how this culture binds us tightly to the game. So I discuss the role of alcohol, the shirt, TV, memorabilia and much, much more as well as how it plays to our sense of national identity and even our personal relationships. And there are jokes too! You can buy it on Amazon or from your local bookstore. If it’s sold out, do pester the lady in the cardigan for a copy. They can order it in.
You’ve also written a book which collated your best football 365 columns, many of which feature anecdotes which appall and amuse in equal measure. What is the most embarrassing football related scrape you’ve ever got yourself into?
Yes Footy Rocks is also available on Amazon if anyone wants a copy. There’s a story in there about a pal of mine who, let me put this delicately, had absorbed some Class A Columbian narcotic through his, errr….manhood. Not accidentally, I might add. This was a deliberate act of wanton hedonism. This was in California at a mad party held by extremely rich freaky people. The consequent extended priapic response caused him much distress. Who needs a 12 hour erection? But football came to the rescue when, in a kick about on the beach next morning I volleyed the ball into his bollocks as high speed; the pain this caused him making the engorgement finally lapse. So you see, a football can be used in First Aid as well!
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You can read more from John at footyrocks.co.uk, at footyrocks.co.uk or at northernmonkeypublishing.com
John's books are also available via Amazon
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